“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem
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[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.