“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem
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*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Canadian owl: Eh?
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u