Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable

My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.

Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.

Doormats are a gateway rug.

GOOGLE: *please create password*

ME: *Giraffe_Neck*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *The_Revenant*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *CVS_receipt*

GOOGLE: *dude*

If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.

[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at midday

chicken: gotcha

Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead

This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.

every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy

I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?

i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup

What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise

My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”

When you let grandma cat sit

[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on

Not sure how to cuddle propawly

📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG

“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”

-inventor of Lucky Charms

I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.

75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.

My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.

Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants

My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.

Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs

Them: I think she already named them.

Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.

“You’re not like the other girls.”

“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”

Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.

me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first

Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost

Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.