The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.
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tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.