The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.
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NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please