The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.
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Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Worst bar ever.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care