The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
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People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”