The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
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Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
So that’s what we looked like?
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Go girl power!
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
I just ran a .003048K
deleted bumble, instead i’m just going to walk into trader joe’s and look confused
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.