The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
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Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
The charge in my beard trimmer died before I finished and I’ve never felt more sympathetic to women in my entire life.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
My daughter just asked me why can’t she just quit school.
I told her it’s against the law and I could go to jail for it.She looked me in the eye and said….
“I’ll visit you”
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
This is setting unrealistic beauty standards for men. We can’t all kill someone
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.