The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
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[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
For the orator and chef in all of us
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
how was your vacation
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”