Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”

[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him

I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.

“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.

I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders

4: can I have a snack?

Me: it’s almost time for dinner.

4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.

Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:

“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”

*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*

*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell

Crush: what are u doing

Me: laying in bed listening to music

Crush: nice what kind

Me: it’s memory foam

Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist

Me: Picasso

Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running

All I’m saying is that nobody can cook rubbish like last borns. Those creatures can even fry water

Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.

I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.

Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy

Thankfully the Five Guys employee offered me a fixed low interest rate loan so I could buy the cheeseburger with two patties

That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.

Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable

In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”

[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die

[old couple feeding ducks in the park]

“Nothing could ruin this Edna”

*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread

When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”

welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister

attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin

*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack

Fabio hasn’t aged a day

I’m not feeling myself today…

…would YOU do it for me?

Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.

Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.

When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.