“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
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woke up on the wrong side of the jed today
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Astrologer: do you know what we say about November birthdays?
Me: that the Valentines lingerie worked?
Astrologer: no
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
It feels like the right time to invest in the guillotine industry.