Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”

-memories of playing high school sports

[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]

I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.

Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.

(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)

*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!

Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.

I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).

Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.

I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.

Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.

*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*

*wakes up and checks bank account*

Me: Well that didn’t work.

the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations

[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason

Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.

“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch

*watches someone skateboard off a roof

…hold my beer

The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.

Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos

Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back

Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on

What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?

[inventing tupperware]

make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti

I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”

[Commercial]

*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*

Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”

[On Screen Caption]

TEETH

My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.

Friend: wyd

Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?

Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?

IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS

fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious

People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.

I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow