“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
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Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total