@Tmoney68

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech

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@ccthegemini

are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala

@nyquills

Me: this horror movie is completely unrealistic.

Wife: shhh

Me: the main characters are so stupid look at them walking into an obvious trap.

Wife: shut up and watch

Me: bet she’s a witch and he was under a spell the whole ti-

Wife: ffs it’s our wedding video!

@BigJDubz

Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C

@bondgirl_79

Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.

@LurkAtHomeMom

5: How come we never do anything fun?

Me: We went to an amusement park..

5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago

Me: It was yesterday

@muyrando

*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?

@withanewname

*Jesus sits down at the bar*

“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”

@NurseMurderer

Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.

Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.

@ariscott

If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.

@DionneMcNutt

I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.