“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
You Might Also Like
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.