are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
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Me: this horror movie is completely unrealistic.
Me: the main characters are so stupid look at them walking into an obvious trap.
Wife: shut up and watch
Me: bet she’s a witch and he was under a spell the whole ti-
Wife: ffs it’s our wedding video!
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.