“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech

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boy calls me cute: thanks i guess

boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding


wife: i found drugs in our sons bedroom, talk to him


me: [sighing] ok so ur mom’s a narc


I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.


I was drinking at the bar, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I’ve never driven a bus before!


wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!

I’ve been doing life all wrong.


If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.


There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.


I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards