boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
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wife: i found drugs in our sons bedroom, talk to him
me: [sighing] ok so ur mom’s a narc
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
I was drinking at the bar, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I’ve never driven a bus before!
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
A gaggle of geese. A murder of crows. A nope of laundry.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards