“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
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Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?