The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
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If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
“You drive, I’m tired.”
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me