The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
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Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Can Happiness buy money?
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR