“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
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These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?
Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos