“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
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Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
why am I working on Labor Day
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
“you gotta put yourself out there” I declare confidently as I remove my pants on the bus
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.