“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
You Might Also Like
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
what is that job called where you put the little stickers on fruit i think i would be good at that
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
In Canada they just call them geese
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Some people are so fake there lock screens don’t recognise them
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do