“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
You Might Also Like
What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Covert ops
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Judge: Let’s start the spelling bee. Your word is “mitosis.”
Student: Would you use it in a sentence?
Judge: “When my sister asked if any part of my foot hurt, I said mitosis.”
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
And they lived apathetically ever after.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
So I ate some gummy bears.
Turns out they were my sisters “Happy” bears with 15mg each.
I ate exactly 37…
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working