The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
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Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: [bad at math] what
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating