The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
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Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
step 6: release the wall snake
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Pikachu found the lost joint
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.