The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
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me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
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I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.