The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
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Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Quadruple digit IQ
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.
Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”
A fake ID that makes you younger
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Me: do you think I’ll get my harmonica back after the trial?
My Lawyer: I told you ten times not to bring it.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.