Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials

I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…

Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another

me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?

overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today

Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”

[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet

[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s

Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”

And that was the last time she was invited over.

me: what do you know about atoms?

friend: very little

me: besides that

[lights 2016 calendar on fire]

There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

Guns don’t kill people

People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people

I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.

My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro

[hotel room]

Her: why are you making the bed

Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen

When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter

I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.

He told me I was too pretty not to smile.

So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.

Now I’m smiling.

Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”

[during sex]

Her: talk nasty to me…

Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…

Her: omg so nasty

Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic

Nobody:

South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up

I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.

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Kid: *falls down*

Me: You’re fine.

Kid: *runs into table*

Me: You’re fine.

Kid: *ball hits them in face*

Me: You’re fine.

Kid: *drops phone*

Me: OMG, did you break it?!

Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white panties

Me: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…

Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them

this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,

Normal stickers: I peel off easy.

Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.

Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.

Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes

Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line

‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already

Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?

-Asking for a friend.