Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.

Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?

Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.

Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops

I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.

*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*

People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins

Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*

HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?

Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now

ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”

[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”

*dads go nuts*

“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”

[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT

inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?

Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.

Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.

Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!

When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.

y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses

Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”

[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*

I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.

Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.

Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma

I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is

MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs

ME: in case we get lost

MOM: we’re in an ikea

ME:

MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too

Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.

them: your tweet is missing a word

me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?

Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…

psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips

Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-

Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-

Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.

{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.

I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?