The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
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My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Talking to Europeans about healthcare feels like when you’re a kid and your rich friend shows you his toys.
“Wow you got the ambulance ride AND hernia surgery?? Oh. No, no, not me. I got the Uber and off-brand ice pack. Yeah they said it’s basically as good as the real thing.”
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
