The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
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Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
I refer to one of my neighbors as the “older lady on the end,” but it turns out she’s like my age.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Start of the article: but what if only three people read it
End of the article: at least only three people will read it
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”