The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
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ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what鈥檚 on my mind and then pass out.
it鈥檚 so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Ketchup isn鈥檛 food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I鈥檓 not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 馃槶馃槶馃槶
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.