The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
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Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?
I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Pretty much! 😂👀
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Always leave them wanting their money back.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
I’m good, thanks.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours