The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
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#dnd #ttrpg
Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted