The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
You Might Also Like
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Cashiers are always checking me out
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.