Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *cutting fingernails*

Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails

Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.

I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…

NEVER. AGAIN.

Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.

I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.

I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.

Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’

I asked my 4yo what he was eating and he said “people,” which was quite alarming until I realized he was holding Sour Patch Kids.

Me: How was school?

Toddler: Candice has a different mom.

Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.

I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.

If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.

please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers

*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?

turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―

Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.

This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.

Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time

I’m awake.

Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.

I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.

It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.

I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.

Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..

Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.

Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context

I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.

I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.

BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.

BEAST: What do you mean?

LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?

(Art Museum)

Me:*sees nature painting*

*pulls out sharpie*

*draws sun in the top left corner*

My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice

plot twist: satan sold his soul to me

[marketing meeting]

me: what campaign are we working on today?

boss: spaghetti-o’s

me: uh oh

boss: say that again