The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
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Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.
my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me: