95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
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“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and