The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
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i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is