@QwertyJones3

The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.

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@jeannerbeaner

95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.

@punmagnate

“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.

@BoogTweets

I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much

@awordforaword

Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.

Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.

@newschannelnine

Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.

@Gre_Gone

*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”

@MatCro

[restaurant]

ME: Do you have updog?

WAITER: [sighs] No sir

M: Ok, is this gluten free?

W: No you have to pay for it

M: Damn you’re good

@ericsshadow

“You could have done so much better than him.”

Me: Mom, I’m right here.

@punished_picnic

disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great

@blade_funner

SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and