Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: you wanna hot line bling?

date: what?

me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?

date: excuse me

me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!

i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now

if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt

July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*

August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*

August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*

Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.

Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment

How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist

ME: [bird watching]

PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.

Good point.

Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.

parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide

I’m an avid indoorsman.

[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it

sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade

Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.

They should invent clothes that get fat with you

Mama Bear: The porridge is ready

Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours

When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.

And then start talking gibberish again.

You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun

Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks

where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?

give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.

Me: I’m going to be so productive today!

Apple Screen Time Report: LOL

My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.

“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”

me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway

them: uno

me: no i don’t

Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.

You call the carnival ride dangerous.

I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”

Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.