The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
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Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
When ur friends with white people
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.