The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
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When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool