The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
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I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
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There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue