The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
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Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?