The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
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Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom
Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Cheers Twitter.
“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Holy moly
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
eggs benadryl
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language” bro translate it
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?