The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
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The journey of a thousand miles begins with stealing your neighbor’s car
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
No flush
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Hey guys! Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Today we’re doing an unboxing vido
*walks into a zoo with a pair of bolt cutters*
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Thursday
Which is it, brain?
Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
