The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
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If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Science is fun!
#nottrue
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
rebranding
Me: Have you been following the H1B stuff? My wife: No, what happened? Did it mutate to infect humans?
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.