The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
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“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Chicken bread
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Every Christmas when I was a kid Santa Claus would use the exact same wrapping paper as my mom. At first it was kind of neat, but through the years it seemed creepy, like he was stalking her.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
*jazz hands*
