The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
You Might Also Like
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.