The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
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An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.