The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
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Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
scared to check what name she chose
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Life hack
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*