The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
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Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Sorry not sorry.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
a public service announcement
