Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home

Me: Good night Moon

Moon:

Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!

*Job Interview

Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”

(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)

Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*

I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992

[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow

I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh

“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”

I hope my company doesn’t😂😂

“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.

I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”

When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.

“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs

I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.

-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV

A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.

happy friday

Him: You okay?

Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?

I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.

If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way

*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…

welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh

I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.

No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.

The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime

Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.

The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.

All parents have a favourite child

Good parents pretend they don’t

Great parents at least make it one of their own

Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you

Kid at my door: Trick or treat

Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?

Gemma Correll

My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.