The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
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23. the denim jacket
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
logging onto twitter…
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
A French press is when you hug naked