The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
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Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Unpopular opinion
The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get