the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
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Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.
Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.