the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
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Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Don’t beat an alive horse either.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Remember: The first step to recovery is addiction.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.