the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
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This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Nomnomnomnom
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.