The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
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ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.