Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love the National Park Service.

Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done

[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days

[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine

-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.

when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.

Me: If you love something you have to let it go.

Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese

DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…

friend: edible kick in?

me [washing my hands]: not yet

friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?

You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.

If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either

Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠

When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?

If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.

How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.

I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.

Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.

Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate

Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.

just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside

People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.

Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues

Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*

“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything

*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.

Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.

I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.

I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.

If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely