The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
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Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”