The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
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The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Found my door mat
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]