The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
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“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
😼🖥️
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Steven: Good evening
Stephen: Good ephening
Facebook memories be like
umm…
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options