The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
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Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks
God: Hmmm..
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
This week’s mood.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that