The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
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Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.