The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
You Might Also Like
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
when people ask how much i weigh i always say ‘with or without blood?”
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband
My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?
My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.