Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*when toddlers meet*

Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi

“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?

Catercrombie & Fish

If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore

Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”

It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.

One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’

The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?

advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden

*Gets bit by spider*

*I don’t get powers*

*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*

i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.

12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-

me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?

WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus

I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”

They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.

wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework

“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.

Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.

Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.

Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.

Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”

#Caturday

Thick as shit.

my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?

me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world

my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*

[first date]

Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?

You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.

We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.

I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.

oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you

Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….

Watching a movie about a lonely girl who ends up becoming prom queen! Really makes me believe that anything can come true 🥹 can’t wait to see how it all ends!!!

[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]

Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.

[quietly dies a little inside]