The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
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I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
The Sun
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.
Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.