The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
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Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
🗽
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Simple
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
greetings!
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
7am – So tired I could WEEP
9am – I’ve got so much to do but no energy
12pm – Can’t stop yawning
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
10pm WIDE AWAKE
12am – Hey! I’m not tired at all now!
1am – Think I might rearrange all the kitchen cupboards
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?