The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
You Might Also Like
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
🍞🦆
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.