The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
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All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
“TGIM!” – My liver
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Hotels are back
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.