The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
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old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
me before I type out affect or effect
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”
Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text