The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
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it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Stork: I have a baby.
Pigeon: I have the mail.
Canary: I have bad news.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.