The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
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Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Don’t forget to tip your server
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Become ungovernable.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.