The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
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“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.