The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
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Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.
one last job
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Customer is always right
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too