The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
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Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Found out I can’t run the air fryer, toaster, and microwave at the same time, but on the plus side I’m pretty sure I took a screenshot of the kitchen
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!