ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
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Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.